Drowning in the Lake of Dreams
On the edge of the lake she imagined she saw the sea monster's head show itself, barely perceptible, then there was the tiniest splash and the lake was still.
She still appeared to have memories, but she could no longer say what they were or to who they belonged. Sometimes it seemed as if she was making everything up on the spot, an improvisation that came from a sourceless scriptwriter sitting in her convoluted candy apple brain. Life and death, love, truth, war and peace, enlightenment, sorrow and joy; all the concepts she could imagine, all the words, had no more meaning. There was not a thing she had not done and not a thing that she had. There was not a dream that was not her own and yet she had never dreamed at all.
She saw a video of a man saying he was no one and she started to cry. If he only knew what he was so sure he did not know....There was nothing she saw that was not so heartbreakingly beautiful that it did not move her to tears. But, in a way, the man was right; there was no one to tell and nothing to say.
She knew without question that the words she had long ago read in a book were true: "the truth...you can’t communicate with any other being forever...nothing here but my own tragic hands that once were guarded by a world, a sweet attention, that now are left to guide and disappear their own way into the common dark...and I accept lostness forever."
Lostness. This love. “Nothing to find or ever lose,” the thoughts danced in her imaginary mind as she gazed out on all these things that are not things at all, separate named pieces of seamlessness that are only imagined and that she had learned how to see--- lakes, hills, mountains, sky and stars. Then thoughts drifted away on the breeze and there was only the darkness erasing the horizon and the lake floating on the edge of the sky and hills and clouds dancing as they all melted into the glowing luminosity of twilight, flickering like the yellow glow in a dying wolf’s eyes.
And the landscape and the girl and all that fall disappear into an impenetrable heart of darkness which covers her like a blanket or a shroud and rocks her to sleep with a lullaby sung by the voices of owls and wind and the plaintive call of the sea monster who knows it has no living mate and dives down into the unknown depths of a dream that is the only place it, like the girl named Miranda, has ever lived... and never lived at all. 💓
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Dear, Miranda,
ReplyDeleteAs I read your words, I felt at a visceral level the aloneness! Not necessarily 'your' aloneness, but the ‘atmosphere’ of aloneness that hangs over ‘all of us’. It seems we are all islands drifting about, populated with different ‘species’ of thoughts and feelings. We can send ‘smoke signals’ of our thoughts/affections, our only connection, and they blow away in the breeze, leaving us with memories. Once again, we are alone! The vastness of the ‘sky’ we have in common, ‘it’ is always there, providing us a sense of “I am here”. It sends dark clouds with lightning bolts, hard rains and also puffy white clouds and occasional rainbows! It seems some islands respond to the Sky by sprouting an unusual amount… a profusion of flowers and exotic trees! I would say you and Nancy are among these beautifully adorned islands…different vegetation, but thrilling to see! Even in your “aloneness”, you are Aliveness showing others your responses to the vastness! You and Nancy are different in your expression... you are both totally appreciated! <3
“… "the truth...you can’t communicate with any other being forever...nothing here but my own tragic hands that once were guarded by a world, a sweet attention, that now are left to guide and disappear their own way into the common dark...and I accept lostness forever." Love this! <3
<3 this is a delicious sense of lostness.... as there is no one to be found or lost....
Deletecandy apple brain ....as if she was making everything up on the spot Thank you. there is always a smile on my face and tears dropping when reading your words.
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